At Fort Sanders Hospital in Knoxville, TN, the eighth floor is for cancer patients. It is the oncology ward. I was admitted into the hospital about 9AM on Wednesday and was released about 9PM Sunday night—five days and four nights in the hospital—for my first chemotherapy treatment.

I was warned by people that the therapy was pretty bad and I anticipated it as such. However, it was admittedly worse than I had imagined. I suppose this is because that we anticipate in generalities while we live it out fact by fact. Perhaps it is also true that I am naturally optimistic and the optimist always maximizes the good and minimizes the bad. Anyway, it was tough.

The doctors and nurses assured me that they could control the pain and nausea—and they did. But the controls often took a few hours to be effective, so if you try to play catch-up (as I did), it can seem to take forever to catch up. Part of it was indeed my fault. When I started vomiting one day, I waited until the third time before I called the nurses. It then took a while to get their medicine in me and a while longer to determine that this medicine was not enough. The doctor then gave me a stronger medication the next day and it was mostly (not entirely) kept under control.

The doctor told me that I had more problems with nausea than the normal patient. Lucky me. Evidently, I have weak stomach muscles. Fortunately, the nausea tends to improve a few days after the chemo is ended. I sure hope so since I have vomited twice tonight as I have been alternating writing and resting (this is the night of December 24th although it is technically already Christmas as I write).

On the down side, I have been told that 7 to 10 days after the chemo has been finished is the peak for problems caused by low counts of blood cells. This includes low immunity to disease and general tiredness. I will just have to wait to see how bad this is for me.

They say that everyone reacts to cancer differently. There are no absolute rules. We are all individuals. We are all uniquely created by our Creator. Each will endure some things well and other things worse. Without the test, we cannot really know how we will score.

My second great trial in the hospital was the pain in my left hip. If I kept changing position every little bit, I seemed to be able to keep a handle on it. However, when it cramped the worst, my inner groin muscle and my outer leg muscle were both in full cramp at the same time. I could get into no position that gave relief. This went on for about 20-30 minutes without stopping. What concerned me today was that the cramping seemed to be getting more frequent and more intense. One episode was accompanied with sweating all over the body.

It was at these times that I kept reminding myself of 1Corinthians 10:13There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.
See All... – “There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.” Some people misunderstand the meaning of temptation. It does not just refer to enticements to sin. It refers also to all the trials of this life. When the pain was at its height, I reminded the Lord that He would not give me a temptation that I was not able to bear. However, I counted this as much a prayer for increased strength to bear the temptation as for a reduction in the temptation down to my level of ability. When I consider the pain to be unbearable, I can expect God to decrease the pain or to increase my endurance; the same with nausea. And God did just that. I mean, He increased the resistance until He lessened the suffering.

I wonder about the spiritual purpose of this part of the trial. The pain, the nausea, the hospital atmosphere, being almost confined to a bed—all of this tended to keep the mind away from any serious sort of meditation. Perhaps suffering in general teaches the mind to focus. Then, perhaps, after the suffering subsides, I may be able to draw closer to the Lord. I know that right now the world seems to be a weightier place. Weighty matters abound on which to ruminate. This reminds me of two verses in Ecclesiastes:

Ecclesiastes 7:2It is better to go to the house of mourning, than to go to the house of feasting: for that is the end of all men; and the living will lay it to his heart.
See All... – It is better to go to the house of mourning, than to go to the house of feasting: for that is the end of all men; and the living will lay it to his heart.

3 – Sorrow is better than laughter: for by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better.

I am sure that the immediate context deals with the dead and the home where the dead are mourned. Considering the death of an acquaintance or friend reminds us all of the shortness of life and the importance of doing some things now. But a hospital visit also fits to some degree. People often die in hospitals. Hospitals are places of mourning. They make us face human frailty and the shortness of our days.

This is good for us. Not that we should continually mourn and dread the coming of old age, sickness, and death. Christianity is a joyous faith and we are to rejoice in the Lord alway (Philippians 4:4
See All...). Yet, we are not to be flippant about our duties to the Lord and to others; we are not to get so fun-seeking that we think of God Himself as a jokester. Seeing the cost of sin on this world is a good remedy for such carnality.

So, I go on in my journey, now knowing what each day holds. Of course, this has been always true. Only now, it is more true. They say that I will have good days and bad. This day has been better than yesterday. I am home and the nausea is gone for now. I cannot complain. The Lord has been especially good to me.

Earlier today, I did some verse writing (one of my devotional exercises). One of the verses I wrote was Exodus 16:4Then said the LORD unto Moses, Behold, I will rain bread from heaven for you; and the people shall go out and gather a certain rate every day, that I may prove them, whether they will walk in my law, or no.
See All... – “Then said the LORD unto Moses, Behold, I will rain bread from heaven for you; and the people shall go out and gather a certain rate every day, that I may prove them, whether they will walk in my law, or no.” These are instructions God gave to the Israelites about the gathering of the manna. They are to get a certain rate each day—not more—not less. Throughout the week, they were to get enough for each individual day; but on Friday, just before their Sabbath, they were to get enough for two days so that they would not be gathering manna on the Sabbath.

The purpose for this giving of manna only on a daily basis was to prove them; to see if they would just take God at His word, be obedient, and trust Him to provide. Is not this the same battle we fight today? God gives us enough for this day; our daily bread; sufficient grace. But we want to have proof that our tomorrows will be blessed as well. We are not satisfied that God’s grace is sufficient unto the evil we face today (Matthew 6:34Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.
See All...). We want tomorrow taken care of now.

Through this trial I know that each day needs God’s manna from heaven. I cannot survive the day unless He provides the manna of His grace. I need it and must have it. But I am wicked to demand that He provide any assurance for tomorrow. If I am to walk in His law, then I must prove it by accepting the manna He provides from above for each day. My thought is not for the morrow—but only to seek the Lord Jesus and in Him the manna I need for today.